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The Aspect of Wisdom and Justice

Do I need to improve my writing style?

  • Yes, you suck

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • Nah, you're good

    Votes: 1 50.0%

  • Total voters
    2
  • Poll closed .

Tyrriel

New Member
Epilogue:
The middle of winter, midnight, a blizzard is howling outside. There is a sharp knock at the wooden door. The priest hurries over, he open the door. There is no one outside. As he goes to close the door, he sees a small bundle with a neatly folded envelope. He bends down to pick the bundle up, he is surprised. In the bundle lays a small child not even past its first moon. The priest carries the child over to his bed. After laying the child down, he carefully opens the envelope. There are very few words in this letter.


They read, “Take care of the child who I can no longer, make sure that he is raised with a pure heart”.


Perplexed, the priest takes the letter, neatly folds it and puts it in his desk drawer.

Chapter 1:
Many years pass, the child has no name. In this time, names were powerful, they could only be bestowed upon a child by his/her birth parents. As the child had none, he was given no name. He was simply known as “boy”. Since “boy” or Boy had no name, he had no power, and he was subject to jeering by the men of the village. Loneliness and refusal to fight those who bullied him, Boy would regularly wander the woods seeking adventure. One day, Boy was walking through the forest, tree after tree, suddenly he was in a city. But, the city was empty, and an eerie silence fills his ears.


“Hail young hero!”, a voice booms. Boy looks around. Where had that voice come from?


“Do not look for me, young one, for you shall never see me”, says the voice.


“Show yourself”, Boy manages to croak.


“What part of you cannot see me do you not get BOY?!?”, the voice booms.


Suddenly, Boy felt his fear shrinking, “Sir“, he said, “I mean not to disrespect you, I only meant to make myself sound and feel more confident.”


“Hmmm, good with words, I see…”, the voice sounds almost amused.


“Boy, have you ever wondered what your name was?”, asked the voice.


“I have always been referred to as boy sir”, says Boy.


“I know”, the voice says. How would the voice know… Unless…


“Head down this path, there is a large building, enter that Building”, says the voice.


So Boy complies, he walks down the path, sees the large building, and enters the building. Upon entering the Building, Boy learned his name. Tyrriel. We know not what else the voice said in the building, or how long he [Tyrriel] was in the building. All we know is that Tyrriel being pure of heart, was given wisdom that only few could imagine. With this wisdom, he was supposed to serve justice by presiding over the mortal Court of Justice.

When Tyrriel left that building, he was no longer in a building. He was in a town, bustling with people. Welcome to Aladra, read the sign. Tyrriel knew he was in a different time, and he knew what his purpose was.
 
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Ajaxan

Well-Known Member
Slicer
Many years pass, the child has no name. In this time, names were powerful, they could only be bestowed upon a child by his/her birth mother. As the child had none, he was given no name. He was simply known as “boy”.

I loved this part. Everyone on Loka just assumes they have a name, but just as well most likely don't start with one. Very interesting idea!

Also, most people attempt to explain everything that happens in a story but I can tell your purposely skip over large parts of that info and it leaves the reader wonder what exactly is happening. And now you must keep writing so I too can figure out quite just what is happening!
 

Tyrriel

New Member
Chapter 2:

Tyrriel stands, he knows not when he is, let alone where he is. A boy, about the age of Tyrriel walks toward him.


“I haven't seen you around, are you new here stranger?”, asks the boy.


“Yes, I just got here”, Tyrriel says.


“Well then, let me show you around”, says the boy.


Should I really trust this stranger? Why do I feel like I should? What part does he play in all of this?


“Follow me, I think I know a someone who can help you start afresh”, says the boy.


The look of confusion and mistrust on Tyrriel’s face must signal something, because then, “Oh how rude of me, I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Saporium the Fourth, you can call me Sap”


“It is a pleasure to meet you Saporium the Fourth, my name is Tyrriel”, Tyrriel says.


“C’mon”, says Sap, “this way!”, Sap leads the way and Tyrriel follows. Sap leads Tyrriel to a boat, the sign reads; Boat to Kalros. Tyrriel stops in his tracks.


"Wait, where exactly are you taking me?", asks Tyrriel, "And how do I know that I can trust you?"


"Well, you can't, but I do not see any one else offering to help you...", says Sap.



Suddenly a gut-wrenching feeling takes hold of Tyrriel, and for a second he is transported back to the city, to the building. Huh? What is going on here?


“Friendship can sometimes only be found when one takes the leap of faith and trusts strangers”, says the voice.


Then, Tyrriel is back in Aladra. Tyrriel sighs and reluctantly boards the ship. Why have they sent me here? What possible good can I do here? And so, Tyrriel came to Kalros. Upon reaching Kalrosian Port, Sap gives Tyrriel a basic sword.


“It’s dangerous out here, we HAVE to be careful, do not hesitate to kill anything that tries to kill you”, says Sap. The duo travels through the Kalros wilds for two days, finally reaching the walled city of Auru.


“Welcome to your new home, friend”, says Sap.


As they enter, they are greeted by man, who seemed to be of great importance. I have met this man before, but where?


“Hey Sap, I see you have brought a friend!”, says the man. He and Sap whisper things to each other, Sap hurries away.


His gaze settles on me, “Your name is Tyrriel right?”.


“Yes”, Tyrriel responds nervously.


“My name is Ajaxan and I am one of the Leaders of Auru”, says the man.


Suddenly, Ajaxan’s eyes go out of focus, “Are you alright sir?”, asks Tyrriel.


Ajaxan’s eyes come back into focus, “Yes, I’m fine… Have I met you ever before Tyrriel?”, says Ajaxan.


“Funny, I was going to say the same thing…”, says Tyrriel.


Both of them stare intently at one another, yet neither can place one another. Can I trust this man? Maybe… was this their plan all along? What are they trying to do?
 
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BorkMork

Member
Slicer
I have looked through and your writing is good, it's to the point and leaves information like other POVs and background obscure to the reader, sucking me in from curiosity. However, detail is important and can help with emotional strength in the story. For example, seeing more detail going into Auru and even the faces of the characters can give the reader a similar understanding to what Tyrriel is feeling at that point in time. Other than that, I'm looking forward to seeing how the story progresses.
 

Tyrriel

New Member
I have looked through and your writing is good, it's to the point and leaves information like other POVs and background obscure to the reader, sucking me in from curiosity. However, detail is important and can help with emotional strength in the story. For example, seeing more detail going into Auru and even the faces of the characters can give the reader a similar understanding to what Tyrriel is feeling at that point in time. Other than that, I'm looking forward to seeing how the story progresses.
Thanks BorkMork, I am currently working on just that, I realized that there was much lacking in the second part. Thanks for the feed back again!
 
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