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Donutified Origin Story

good lore?


  • Total voters
    10

catfishjw

Well-Known Member
Slicer
This is just something I wrote in my free time today... judge as necessary. I wanna write more lore so tell me how I can do better.

Melchiott was having a bad day. He was burning more bread than ever, because all these new players didn’t know how to prepare food themselves. He was overworked, underappreciated, and he was pretty sure he had just given that player 15 loaves of bread instead of the normal 16. Still, his bread never lost its edge, and the players were happy. So he kept baking. He was burning out, and a nearby baker noticed the bags under his eyes. Skuhoo walked up to the bread stall Melchiott worked in. With a kind smile he said, “Why don’t I take over the stall for the week? You’ve been working too hard. You deserve a break.” Melchiott thanked Skuhoo, and retired to his home(no one knows exactly where it is). After a few hours, he realized he was feeling empty inside. So he baked. He baked bread, cake, muffins, cookies, but still felt empty. He decided to do something he had never done before. He pulled out his book of recipes out of his most secret location and turned to the one food he had never made. He went to his kitchen and began his work. Soon his eyes were bright as he did what he loved. He recalled everything he had ever learned, every trick he had ever come across. He baked like never before, for he knew. This was going to be the best baked good that Loka would ever see. Three days later, Melchiott put the mixture in his oven. He slept that night, and he was so tired he stayed in a deep sleep until noon. He got up and pulled the good out of the oven. It was small, but he knew.The special player who received this… they would never be the same. He put his prize in a shulker box to take it to his stall. He talked with Skuhoo about how refreshed he was, and Skuhoo left to bake for others. Melchiott baked bread all that day for players and forgot about the baked good(which was now in a chest). That night, a new player joined. He had never played this game before and was excited to play. Being the noob he was, he walked off the path that shows new players how to play, and he stumbled upon Melchiott’s stall. He opened the chest and looked for stuff to kill other people with, but all that he could see was a single donut. Disappointed this player ate the treat. Then a spark lit within him. The knowledge of all Loka came to him, he saw everything he could be and everything he could do. One could say he almost became… a meme. And then, as suddenly as the fire lit, it extinguished. The player was teleported back to the path, and this time he knew to complete the course. He was wandering around spawn when Melchiott returned from his errand(Bakers almost never sleep) and noticed this new player. Then he saw his name. He knew. This player had eaten the donut he had worked so hard to prepare. This player had a bright future on Loka. Melchiott walked up to the new player and said, “Welcome to Loka, Donutified.”
 
This is actually really well done, and I had a great laugh out of it! I think it's really awesome to see players engaging in lore and writing stories for and of each other, and what better way to do it that to explain the origin of our very own donut, using the insights of some of the lesser spoken npc's in Aladra? Overall, this was really well done!

I do have two small pieces of constructive criticism for you, hoping that it can only improve your writing in the future, when you (hopefully) write even more lore for us Lokans!
1) Try to separate your story into paragraphs ^^; It just makes your writing a little bit cleaner, and you don't want to overwhelm the reader with a large block of text.
2) Try to break up the introductions to sentences so you don't find yourself repeating the same phrase often!

He baked bread, cake, muffins, cookies, but still felt empty. He decided to do something he had never done before. He pulled out his book of recipes out of his most secret location and turned to the one food he had never made. He went to his kitchen and began his work.

Grammatically, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this, but notice how every sentence starts with "He <verb> <sentence>"? It might be nice to change that up a bit! Whether it's just changing "He" to "Melchiott" every once in awhile, or restructuring the sentence so the name comes after the verb, any small fix will definitely make the storytelling much smoother!

Yikes, I hope none of that came off as harsh ^^; I really do appreciate what you made for Donut! I think this was a terrific example of how we could introduce more origin stories of Loka that don't always include us finding a way to slice here from extraneous worlds. Tying in the NPCs was a great touch, and you really humanized Melchiott for me I think, making me realize that he too must have motivations and aspirations amongst all these Lokans...and that he can also get worn out just like any of us as well ^^;

Tl;Dr keep up the great work! This was amazing :D
 
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